You can RUN but you can't hide.

I hurt of feeling pain.
That sentence is not gramatically-correct,
But I'm not sick of it, I'm hurt by it. Which makes sense. Pain is painful.
This is the very beginning of the long and dreadful healing process.
I wish I could go into detail, but for tonight, I can not.

Things I could not control, things from childhood (and beyond), have left lasting scabs on my soul which are currently getting ripped off through counseling.
It really sucks actually.
But I know it's necessary.

I write this before bed without any plan or premeditation.
And I write this to say one simple truth: We can run, but we can never hide from the truth.
The truth of our sin and the truth of other's sin hurting us will never leave the soul unless we confess it.
I dated this guy one time who had this awkward affinity for popping pimples.
Gross, I know.
It wasn't until a ways into the relationship that he actually had the nerve to pop one of mine.
It was slightly traumatizing.
But he said something one time that stuck with me and is essentially my life's current motto:
   "Gotta get the poison out, Alli." (and brief side note, why does spell checker say my name is spelled wrong? rude.)
"Gotta get the poison out."
At first, I understood that as merely justification for his disturbing actions. And pretended to resist them.
But then, although I really did resist sometimes, took this phrase to heart.

We have SO much poison in our lives.
Whether it's a lack of confession of wrongs we've done to God or others disproving love, or painful memories we have actively suppressed for years, it's poison nonetheless that distorts the soul and masks our true state.
To avoid transparency with others and God (and therefore yourself) will only result in unhealthy guilt/shame or defiling denial that dulls down the soul to a less-than-desirable state.
Dan Allender puts it this way in a book I'm reading, "Life lived in the mire of denial is not life at all."

Avoiding confession and general openness with others is not only a disservice to those around us, but ultimately destroys us as well. How blind we are to think that the pains of our hearts will evaporate if we ignore them. How foolish to think we can pretend sin didn't really happen as long as we don't tell anyone.

Well I've been there. I've lived it and lied it and cheated it and been abused by it and I know that there is no way to escape the truth.
I say this far too much now, but it truly "is what it is" when it comes to the truth.

I went for a run yesterday for the first time in a while--which is sad to admit because I'm training for a half-marathon. It was difficult physically only because my body was not prepared for it. I had stopped training. My muscles were okay but my lungs were not happy with me. What was I to expect, that no cramps would come during a 4-mile run after many days off?
It's a silly parallel but it reminded me of getting things out of us that need to be exposed.
When we stop training--aka living honestly and vulnerably with our community, selves and God--we will undoubtedly reap the consequences of it.
We can keep pretending "everything is fine" and be unnoticeably miserable inside, or run to every distracting text message or hang out or tv show we love, but ultimately the truth will always find you.
And it's good.
Because the truth with set you free.

That is scripture.
And that is my personal experience.
And I know that is true.

The truth will find you and the truth will set you free.
Whether we've been broken by others or ourselves, we will never really live unless we're real with the people around us.

Community is life.
Life is freedom.
And freedom is truth.