My Apologies...

I've been really intentionally negligent of this blog for some time now.
I don't feel like I have to write, but have wanted to and haven't because so many of life's current lessons blend together. So, each of the several posts I've started to write in the past few weeks have ended in an "ah this is too much, I'll finish it later" mindset.
Well, no more later--the time is now.

I've really debated on getting personal in this blog. I've gotten personal to an extent, but not nearly to the depths or specifics of where I'm truly at. At first, I planned on this blog being a bunch of external writings having to do with life and faith at large. You know, keep things general; avoid personal emotion at all cost.
For a while that was out of respect for people in my life who may read this--or others who may read it and know what I would vaguely refer to.
But at this point, it really doesn't matter and I'm learning it would be impossible to explain thoughts/experiences about "being free and living" without talking about the life I'm living and freedom I'm experiencing. Honesty is everything, and without giving at least some kind of signifier of what's going on, none of these lessons would seem legitimate or my words genuine.

The truth is, I'm an absolute mess.
We all are--but it's more real to admit to that personally.
Sin and pain have been an interchangeable duo as of late, humbly reminding me of my brokenness.
I can't complain about it; it's the epitome of who and what humans are. So I'm thankful, but it sucks.

I contemplated changing this blog title to "Diary of a Broken-Up-With-Girl" considering so many of these thoughts/lessons have come as a result of my current relationship status.
But that wouldn't suffice.
These lessons go way deeper, and I would rather streak through police station headquarters than brand myself in the above titled category. It doesn't define me--though it has been the breeding ground for some very enlightening thoughts and life-changes :) So in that case, I'm grateful for it. But either way, the words and experiences of this blog are about LIFE, and everything that falls into that.

Trying to summarize all I've been learning in the past few months is a really overwhelming thought (one that has clearly kept me from writing anything since August 27, ha)--but I'll try my absolute best. Again, apologies in advance if these are confusing/redundant.

To make things concise, I'll try and categorize.

suffering.
honesty.
intimacy.
healing.

Truth be told, I actually saved this post yesterday to come back and edit it at this exact place (despite my opening paragraph-ha). I was going to expound on each of those subjects in this entry, but would really like to take a separate post for each for the sake of clarity and time-management (not to mention the amount of reading in one sitting). Overall it can be summed up to say that I'm learning what it means to be a woman of virtue--and how far I am from that. I'm learning what Jesus really meant by His words and both how I live and how I should live in light of that. I think it's honest to say I've really only dabbled in the above-stated categories-- but each one has already brought a noticable amount of life, freedom and understanding of self and reality (whether those are spiritual realities or physical ones about the world around us).

One of the books I'm currently reading (I'm really awful with book ADD-- I think I'm reading through 4 right now-ha) has a line that can best sum up both where I am and where I want to go. To quote it, "...soulless conformity never leads to life-giving change."

I want so badly to follow Jesus with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength. I want to show people around me--whether it's valet attendants, co-workers, family/friends, homeless, prostitutes, or absolute enemies--the love that has no conditions, no excuses or acceptions because it is God Himself. So this is my journey to do so. And along the way, let him heal things I have not previously acknowledged as wounds to better understand that love. Which is to better understand God.

The next few posts will hopefully follow the above categories, but no promises. Lots of really cool events happen on the regular that I might just have to post about :)

Anyway, my apologies for letting "overwhelmedness" restrict me from writing. Here we go...


p.s. my apologies go out particularly to a special someone of a more seasoned generation having difficulty with this font size ;) For some reason the only other option it's allowing is a gigantic size that takes up the whole screen for a paragraph. Let me know if it's needed though :)