untitled

What do you do when you don't like yourself, but cognitively know you are a child of God?
What do you do when you hate your past and the hold it still has over you?
What do you do when you feel so unbelievably bitter towards those who have hurt you that even the mention of their name sends stings of anguish up through your stomach?
They are unaffected. Of course. That's the poison of unforgiveness.

I know the truths of the Bible. I know that "I am God's creation" and blah blah.
But I do not believe it. Fully, anyway.
If I did, I would not come back to this sickening pit of worthlessness.
I do not own the truths that I am okay, that I am good, that I am beautiful, and He loves me-because of Jesus.
No, I cry for freedom from the lies that I am too bad for grace to heal.
That this pain will never go away.
That my life is too shameful, too dirty, too much.
The church throws the examples of David and Rahab in my face.
But what does that help me?
This is a heart and soul issue.
I do not believe.
And if God is so sovereign, and His grace only can help us believe, than what do I do?

I'm waiting.
Been waiting for a long time.
Previously in the wrong waiting rooms of alcoholism and promiscuity.
But now, I'm waiting for the salvation from the Lord.
There is nothing I can do.
I literally have nothing to offer.
All I do is cry. And press in to His word, and praise regardless. And remain open to the pain that gushes from my wounded heart.
That sounds dramatic, but that's how it feels.
The old song goes, "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..."
And it's true.
Even your best friends can't fully grasp the weight of injustice done to the wounded soul.
Words are not enough to express the depths of spiritual, mental and emotional strongholds.
But God knows.
He became man, died and rose for that apparently.
But UGH, if only I could believe that as fully as I am quick to speak it.

Lies flood around and some creep in, and I take every thought captive to Christ.
He fights for me.
But I am afraid.
Because I do not own that Perfect Love my King speaks about.
I do not trust that it is for me.
I speak it to so many: friends, youth, my co-workers.
But for some reason, I am not good enough for it.
There is a disconnect. And I don't know what the connector is. Maybe cognitively. But not wholly.

I wasn't planning on typing this out. It's extremely raw, and potentially blasphemous.
But I don't care.
It is what it is and I want it documented.
So when my Lord DOES heal me and DOES free me and DOES show redemption of my pitiful life, I will look back on this and sing all the more and proclaim His love to anyone willing to listen.

In the mean time, I will wait. And sing and dance continually. And praise Him regardless of what I feel/believe about myself. I trust my God. And He DOES hear me. The promises of Isaiah 30:18-21 and ch. 41-44 are so hard to cling to when I see nothing. But I will cling.

I sent the following in a text message to my best friend some weeks ago when I was facing some unrelenting spiritual warfare. She said, "I don't understand why this is happening..." I replied:
"He's bringing me to total&complete healing and freedom. I know it. His Spirit was working in me last night as I met with some women..and gave me clarity on hope and His purposes for this time. I'm not discouraged. Tired...but pushing through the fire. And going to sing&dance in the midst. I love Him so much. If this is where He has me, I'll be patient and obey with joy just to please Him and get more of Him. And when it's time, He will release me. Freedom from my past is coming."

Jesus, hear my heart. And have your way with it. Amen.

Oh No.

It has literally been months since I've posted on this thing. 6 months to be exact. Which doesn't really matter to others, but it does to me. It's not that I haven't been writing. I've just been...well writing, not typing. Well, for a while I'd been typing on a typewriter that I got from my sweet grandmother. I learned two things through that experience:

1.) I love typewriters. They type slower than computer keyboards and are more of a pain to delete, which forces me to think more diligently about what I'm actually writing. While at the same time, it gives me more time to creatively "flow" since the words come out quicker than writing by hand (though most writings in the past months have been via hand).
2.) I'm terrible with ordering ink. I used that typewriter daily. And then the ink ran out. I kept saying I was going to order more ink but then I couldn't find the manual that showed which kind I needed. If I could search as well as I typed though, I'd be back in typewriter heaven.

Moving on, I've decided to carefully tackle the job of re-recording the past few months by transposing writings from my journal to this blog. For the sake of clarity (mostly for myself when I look back on this in a few months) I'm titling each entry with the date it was actually written. It's kind of nice to look back over months at a time and laugh at how young my writing was. So, if I put it here on this blog, I can have it all in one place rather than 3 different journals/compilations of scrap paper. :)
This post literally has no other purpose than to state: wow it has been way too long and to continue "blogging" and pretending it's the next day. A lot has changed since the former post. And I'm excited to write about it.

The last post was September 27, 2011.
My eyes widen and my mouth puffs out air as "oh my yikes, I had no idea what was coming next" slowly escapes.
This truly has been a journey...

no real purpose in this post..

So, I ran 6 miles today.
I am exhausted. hah!
I stopped a few times for various reasons and speed walked for a few paces, so I can't say I fully ran 6 full miles, but it was definitely over 5!
Wild. I've never run this far in my life.
And yet, I still harp on myself for not getting the full 6 in without stopping.
Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Months ago I was ecstatic for running A mile without stopping and now I can do well over 2.
Not to mention keep going the distance of 6.

This whole process of running has been terribly therapeutic.
And I mean every word of that statement.
The parallels between physical and mental/spiritual learning are too vast to record, and the stamina I'm building stretches far beyond carnal effects.
But with as much progress as I've made, it's still exhausting.
The last 100 yards I had to literally pray that God would get me through it--and I actually pushed harder than any other part of the run. hm.

I have a lot to write about, but not anything organized.
One thing I will say though is that healing, like running, is painful and exhausting.
We want to quit when it gets too tough, when memories sting our souls, bringing foul tastes to our mouths and that uneasy feeling to our stomachs.
I, at least find it so much "easier" to shove things to the side and pretend like they don't exist.
But reality says that just like I need to run to complete this race, we have to deal with the issues within.
Whether it's other people's wrongs which have affected us, or our own wrong doing that keeps us in pain, we will never be free without 1.) confession and 2.) work (which, according to Webster's dictionary means "exertion of effort to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil").
Unfortunately inner healing doesn't just happen overnight.
God CAN do amazing things through prayer, but we are emotional beings; we are physical and intellectual beings--and those things come into play when healing is required.

So, here's to progress through a painful process which I know leads to life and newness..
one mile/day at a time.

Forthright Prayer for the Night.

Wrote this a while ago in deep longing--A prayer of Psalms. It's the best way to go.

Lover,
Everyone around me (except two) are in serious relationships, married, or engaged. (p.s. that's a slight exaggeration.. but at this point, not really) So I will bring every thought captive to you. I will seek after your face (Ps. 27:8). I will desire to gaze upon your beauty all the days of my life (Ps. 27:4). I will trust in your steadfast LOVE (Ps. 13:5) and be satisfied with your likeness (Ps. 17:15). I will keep my eyes ever toward you (Ps. 25:15) and sing to you a NEW song (Ps. 33:3) I will keep my tongue from evil and deceit and turn from evil and do good (Ps. 34:13). I will seek peace and pursue it (Ps. 33:14). I will delight myself in you (37:4), being still before you and waiting patiently, not fretting (Ps. 37:7). I will offer to you my broken and contrite heart (Ps. 57:17), my broken spirit will sing praise to your name--giving thanks with my whole heart (Ps. 9:1-2)--broken or not. For your love is better than life (63:3). So--my soul waits alone in silence for you, God (Ps. 62:1) trusting in you at all times, pouring out my heart before you (62:8) to be a refuge. I will shout for joy to you (66:1) and say "How awesome are your deeds--for power belongs to you, and steadfast love" (66:2). I will remember you tonight upon my bed (63:6) and earnestly seek you so that my soul itself thirsts for you, and my body faints for you (63:1), until there is NOTHING on earth I DESIRE but you (73:25)! But YOU will do this for me, because my flesh and my heart will fail--but you are the strength of my heart (73:26). So please satisfy me in the morning with your steadfast love so I can rejoice and be glad (90:14) regardless of my circumstance. I will tremble before you (96:9) and walk with integrity of heart (101:2) for you have washed me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleansed me from my sin (51:2) and promise to teach the humble your ways (25:9). For you've saved me when I was brought low (116:6) and delivered me soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling (116:8). You preserve the simple (116:6) so I will live that way. You have loosed my bonds (116:16) so I shall recount your deeds Lord (118:17) and ask you to let me not wander from your commandments (119:10). For my flesh trembles for fear of you (119:20). Do not let me occupy myself with things too great or marvelous for me (131:1), but to wait with hope (130:5) like a weaned child--quiet and calm (131:2). Where can I go from your Spirit? Your presence is always with me (139:7)! So please heal my broken heart and bind up all my wounds (147:3). I will take pleasure in you Lord, humbly (149:4), singing for joy in my bed (149:5) and DANCING to praise your name (149:3). With every breath I have, I will praise you, God (150:6).

Amen.

You can RUN but you can't hide.

I hurt of feeling pain.
That sentence is not gramatically-correct,
But I'm not sick of it, I'm hurt by it. Which makes sense. Pain is painful.
This is the very beginning of the long and dreadful healing process.
I wish I could go into detail, but for tonight, I can not.

Things I could not control, things from childhood (and beyond), have left lasting scabs on my soul which are currently getting ripped off through counseling.
It really sucks actually.
But I know it's necessary.

I write this before bed without any plan or premeditation.
And I write this to say one simple truth: We can run, but we can never hide from the truth.
The truth of our sin and the truth of other's sin hurting us will never leave the soul unless we confess it.
I dated this guy one time who had this awkward affinity for popping pimples.
Gross, I know.
It wasn't until a ways into the relationship that he actually had the nerve to pop one of mine.
It was slightly traumatizing.
But he said something one time that stuck with me and is essentially my life's current motto:
   "Gotta get the poison out, Alli." (and brief side note, why does spell checker say my name is spelled wrong? rude.)
"Gotta get the poison out."
At first, I understood that as merely justification for his disturbing actions. And pretended to resist them.
But then, although I really did resist sometimes, took this phrase to heart.

We have SO much poison in our lives.
Whether it's a lack of confession of wrongs we've done to God or others disproving love, or painful memories we have actively suppressed for years, it's poison nonetheless that distorts the soul and masks our true state.
To avoid transparency with others and God (and therefore yourself) will only result in unhealthy guilt/shame or defiling denial that dulls down the soul to a less-than-desirable state.
Dan Allender puts it this way in a book I'm reading, "Life lived in the mire of denial is not life at all."

Avoiding confession and general openness with others is not only a disservice to those around us, but ultimately destroys us as well. How blind we are to think that the pains of our hearts will evaporate if we ignore them. How foolish to think we can pretend sin didn't really happen as long as we don't tell anyone.

Well I've been there. I've lived it and lied it and cheated it and been abused by it and I know that there is no way to escape the truth.
I say this far too much now, but it truly "is what it is" when it comes to the truth.

I went for a run yesterday for the first time in a while--which is sad to admit because I'm training for a half-marathon. It was difficult physically only because my body was not prepared for it. I had stopped training. My muscles were okay but my lungs were not happy with me. What was I to expect, that no cramps would come during a 4-mile run after many days off?
It's a silly parallel but it reminded me of getting things out of us that need to be exposed.
When we stop training--aka living honestly and vulnerably with our community, selves and God--we will undoubtedly reap the consequences of it.
We can keep pretending "everything is fine" and be unnoticeably miserable inside, or run to every distracting text message or hang out or tv show we love, but ultimately the truth will always find you.
And it's good.
Because the truth with set you free.

That is scripture.
And that is my personal experience.
And I know that is true.

The truth will find you and the truth will set you free.
Whether we've been broken by others or ourselves, we will never really live unless we're real with the people around us.

Community is life.
Life is freedom.
And freedom is truth.

"Hurry up and Heal"

I got a tattoo recently.
It's sweet. Simple and may not make sense to others (definitely not the artist, ha) but it's meaningful to me.
It's a simple black band of ink across my left ring finger to symbolize being forever loved and wed to my God.
I've always wanted to get one in the future with my husband because that relationship was to represent forever.
Going through a break up though really teaches a girl some things. For one, I don't want to wait around for any man. Another, no person's love will EVER compare to the Father's. It is intimately perfect, and consistently faithful. It can't be broken by anyone or anything and we ourselves can't even control it.
So, I wanted a permanent reminder of this love--and if I ever do get married, when my husband wants to get a tattoo ring together (because he will), it will just have to go around this one. :)

This tattoo, though small, has strongly resembled happenings in my life on a deeper level.
The healing process for a tat is very interesting.
The first few days are critical, then it scabs up and you think it's going to be the ugliest thing or you've just obtained some scab-related fungus from the tattoo shop. The scabbing will eventually go away, but in the mean time you have to be careful around it for fading/spotting purposes.
I am an extremely impatient person. And really want to skip the healing process.
"Come onnnn, heal already!" is my thought literally every time I glance down at my symbol.
But it will not heal any faster than it needs the time to do.
This is frustrating to me because there are a lot of other types of healing going on deep within, and I'm realizing I can't rush those either.

This is personal, and it might sound really crazy to some, but I've started to go see a counselor to deal with some of the junk in my past. It has evidently never been dealt with, as it keeps manifesting in poor, self-or-others destructive choices, and surfaces in vague memory form from time to time.
The counselor didn't say much after I talked her ear off (surprising, I know)--but each comment was a rabid blow to the heart. Each comment was truth, which is why it hurt so much.
I left realizing we had literally not even scratched the surface of this junk and as I read material she suggested, I know it will be a long, hard road to freedom.
It's worth it (so I'm told), but it's extremely scary and overwhelming.
"Hurry up already! Just be healed, would ya?!" is how my mind reacts to my hearts distresses.
But having never healed from monumental pains, I see that I need to learn how to heal and to deal.
I'm the ultimate suppressor.
People on the whole are pretty good at it, but I mean it--I'm scarily good at it.

Regardless, it's time to let go of the fear (or just try and ignore it) and jump in full-force to the slow, much-needed process of healing of the heart. Just like my tat, it's going to take longer that I want to admit to. And at times it's going to look and feel so painfully awkward that I'm sure it will look like I made the wrong choice letting these issues surface.But those scabs are lies; they do not signify what will come--which will hopefully be permanent, pure, freedom-bound healing.

My Apologies...

I've been really intentionally negligent of this blog for some time now.
I don't feel like I have to write, but have wanted to and haven't because so many of life's current lessons blend together. So, each of the several posts I've started to write in the past few weeks have ended in an "ah this is too much, I'll finish it later" mindset.
Well, no more later--the time is now.

I've really debated on getting personal in this blog. I've gotten personal to an extent, but not nearly to the depths or specifics of where I'm truly at. At first, I planned on this blog being a bunch of external writings having to do with life and faith at large. You know, keep things general; avoid personal emotion at all cost.
For a while that was out of respect for people in my life who may read this--or others who may read it and know what I would vaguely refer to.
But at this point, it really doesn't matter and I'm learning it would be impossible to explain thoughts/experiences about "being free and living" without talking about the life I'm living and freedom I'm experiencing. Honesty is everything, and without giving at least some kind of signifier of what's going on, none of these lessons would seem legitimate or my words genuine.

The truth is, I'm an absolute mess.
We all are--but it's more real to admit to that personally.
Sin and pain have been an interchangeable duo as of late, humbly reminding me of my brokenness.
I can't complain about it; it's the epitome of who and what humans are. So I'm thankful, but it sucks.

I contemplated changing this blog title to "Diary of a Broken-Up-With-Girl" considering so many of these thoughts/lessons have come as a result of my current relationship status.
But that wouldn't suffice.
These lessons go way deeper, and I would rather streak through police station headquarters than brand myself in the above titled category. It doesn't define me--though it has been the breeding ground for some very enlightening thoughts and life-changes :) So in that case, I'm grateful for it. But either way, the words and experiences of this blog are about LIFE, and everything that falls into that.

Trying to summarize all I've been learning in the past few months is a really overwhelming thought (one that has clearly kept me from writing anything since August 27, ha)--but I'll try my absolute best. Again, apologies in advance if these are confusing/redundant.

To make things concise, I'll try and categorize.

suffering.
honesty.
intimacy.
healing.

Truth be told, I actually saved this post yesterday to come back and edit it at this exact place (despite my opening paragraph-ha). I was going to expound on each of those subjects in this entry, but would really like to take a separate post for each for the sake of clarity and time-management (not to mention the amount of reading in one sitting). Overall it can be summed up to say that I'm learning what it means to be a woman of virtue--and how far I am from that. I'm learning what Jesus really meant by His words and both how I live and how I should live in light of that. I think it's honest to say I've really only dabbled in the above-stated categories-- but each one has already brought a noticable amount of life, freedom and understanding of self and reality (whether those are spiritual realities or physical ones about the world around us).

One of the books I'm currently reading (I'm really awful with book ADD-- I think I'm reading through 4 right now-ha) has a line that can best sum up both where I am and where I want to go. To quote it, "...soulless conformity never leads to life-giving change."

I want so badly to follow Jesus with all my heart, mind, soul, body, and strength. I want to show people around me--whether it's valet attendants, co-workers, family/friends, homeless, prostitutes, or absolute enemies--the love that has no conditions, no excuses or acceptions because it is God Himself. So this is my journey to do so. And along the way, let him heal things I have not previously acknowledged as wounds to better understand that love. Which is to better understand God.

The next few posts will hopefully follow the above categories, but no promises. Lots of really cool events happen on the regular that I might just have to post about :)

Anyway, my apologies for letting "overwhelmedness" restrict me from writing. Here we go...


p.s. my apologies go out particularly to a special someone of a more seasoned generation having difficulty with this font size ;) For some reason the only other option it's allowing is a gigantic size that takes up the whole screen for a paragraph. Let me know if it's needed though :)